Disclaimer: kinda-emo post ahead.
I’m very grateful to have such wonderful readers who actually take the time to leave comments to show me how much they appreciate my blog. Some of you even tell me how you wish you were me or that I’m so perfect.
Well here is an entry to prove you wrong!
What’s wrong with me?! I’ve always been masungit and hot headed since I was a little girl and I think these flaws caused me to be so irritable.
I have very poor eyesight. My left eye is -4.25 and my right eye is -3.75. The reason you don’t really see me wearing glasses is because I can’t. They always slide down my nose because I sweat very very easily. Which brings me to number 2.
Pawisin ako!! Grabe lang. Ako yung type na 5 minutes palang sa hindi presko na lugar, nagkakaroon na ako ng sweat beads sa upper lip and nose. Annoying, sobra, but oh well. Here’s a photo one of my followers (@akosieyl) tagged and posted on Instagram after a Cubao X gig. Extra t-shirt ko na yan ha. Kamusta naman yung pawis sa tiyan. Yuck!!
I have extreme TMJ disorder. I blogged about it before. It’s when your temporomandibular joint pops in and out its socket. Mine is so extreme, I hear it very loudly whenever I open or close my mouth. That’s why you can barely understand me speak – it’s because I try not to open my mouth too much because it causes me pain and headaches. I’ve been wearing invisible aligners to help with the pain but I have no discipline to wear them for at least 22 hours a day. It hurts whenever I take it out kasi and I have to put it back in. As in cry-ola levels ang pain. I’m such a loser.
You know those people who just look so angelic and peaceful while they’re asleep? I’m not one of them. I am the ugliest sleeper. Maxx says I look like a victim of Sadako whenever I sleep. Tama ba, The Ring ba yung mukhang frozen na weird yung face pag namamatay? I tried to google it but got scared so I closed the window right away. Anyway, my mouth is open, my eyes are half open, my head is always almost at a 90 degree angle from my body and I drool. And snore. I know this because one New Year’s Eve, I fell asleep and my dad took a horrible picture of me while sleeping. I got so angry hahaha. I don’t know where the picture is and I don’t want to know.
So that’s a list of my most annoying flaws. There is a point to this list, I swear, but I’ll go back to it later. Read on.
I re-organized my life (and room) today. Since my show ended, I’ve had so much time for myself. I am my own boss and though some people would love to be in charge of their own time, it can be quite a burden. I’ve never had a 9-5 job. I wish I had the chance to build discipline. I’m prone to just downloading TV series and watching them the whole day, I’ve seriously been bumming around and publishing half-assed blog posts for too long now.
I believe I suffered some sort of creative block. Do you remember when I would just post everything that came to mind or what I did for the day? Ever since my dream of making a living through blogging came true, I’ve had this insecurity building up inside of me. I feel so inadequate, so undeserving. That’s why I procrastinate and I don’t feel like blogging. I always put it off and watch TV shows, take naps, or clean my room instead. I’ve put pressure on myself in updating my blog and making my posts perfect that I end up just waiting until the last minute and publishing stuff “para lang may ma-post.” I hate it.
Yes, yes, poor little blogger problems. Nakakainis diba? I know it may not seem like a big deal and there are worse problems but I have to be honest, I’ve been struggling with blogging lately. Last night, I opened up to Jim and I ended up crying because I felt like such a loser talaga. My blog activity has been going through a steady decline. I remember a time when I was still kinda funny and interesting.
Then I came to realize that I should stop feeling so inadequate and insecure about earning money through my blog. I shouldn’t be so conscious about what I blog and whether I’m getting paid for a post or not – I used to get stressed that it might be unfair to paying advertisers if I post about products for free so I had to censor myself a lot. Well I don’t care anymore. This blog started out as a hobby, as a means of therapy for all the stress I go through in a day. It’s not about the money. What’s important is the readership I have earned through the years. The bond I created with you guys. I want to apologize for being such a sucky blogger lately. No more excuses, no more hang ups, no more triple checking and super editing myself.
It’s the mundane moments and random musings I used to write about that got me where I am now. I’d like to be worthy of your admiration by setting an example of embracing my flaws, admitting my shortcomings. Jim told me that the first sign that I am taking responsibility for my actions is the fact that this rut I’m in bothers me. So many people come across a hurdle and just stop. I plan to keep on going.
Spread the news… I’m back!<3<3<3